joke for you

Waay better! lol

HERE IS THE LATEST NEWS FROM LIBIA

نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"


"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies
"Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it.
Second, there’s a ’gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there."
But as time goes on and the man sinks a few, he asks,
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp, tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back, and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says....



"Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?"

A man's wife has been in a coma for several weeks the doctor takes him aside and tells him "We have tried everything we can think of and she is not responding to anything, However on very rare occasions patients have responded to oral sex, so we will step outside and you do what you have to do."

The doctor pulled everybody out of the room and left the man alone with his wife, several minutes later bells and whistles start going off, the entire medical staff rush in to the room and ask "What's happened?"

the man replied" well everything was going well but then she started to choke."

THE LONELY BRAIN CELL

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.


She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.


"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"


Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............




"We're down here."



____________________

Compliments of The Muse.

A Police STOP at 1 A.M.

A man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Duct Tape
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I
wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my johnson to
my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

Temptation
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."





The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

LOL thanks... needed that.

A balding, white haired man from Bellville, Texas , walked into a jewellery store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweller said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I'm know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said 'There’s only $25 in that account.'

'I know, said the old man,

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

Sleeping With Bob






The
guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because
he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay
with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?”

He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!”

He said, “Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and
watched me all night."

I ain't repeating this one, sorry.

Triniman wrote:I ain't repeating this one, sorry.

sorry, here is a little christmas striptease as an apology

!!!!!

The video is blocked in Monterrey Mexico for some copyright reason. Oh well.

yeah..all of a sudden blocked here too

How Many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler:

Whats the worst part of making turducken?

Spoiler:

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice

Nursing Home Safety.

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
KookyClarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in
a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished
around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front
of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his c**k in his hand. "Oh,
good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

A guy is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey Bob! Whacha' get the case of beer for?'

'I got it for my wife, eh.' answers Bob.

'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade.'

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts.

" Really? " she said " Go on then try. "

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

" Come on, " she demanded, " What day was i born? "

I said " Yesterday! "