joke for you

Rosie had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.' He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?' His Ukrainian wife replied, "The fricking funeral director would be my first guess."

Build a man a fire and he's warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.' 'And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot butthole? ' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Good one...

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, Shaun, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer -- brands from 12 different countries including Germany, Holland, Japan, Czech Republic, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that chunks of ice were forming out of the air on it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out several kinds of hot, home-made hors d'oeuvres. "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Fine! Sit your a$$ down, shut the hell up, drink your beer in your frozen mug, and eat your hors d' oeuvres because your married a$$ isn't going to a damned bar! Got it, jackass?" And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

Love letter

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days. All my love,

Spoiler:

With the new mayor in Calgary, comes new Stamp's cheerleaders too....

Try this test and find out which movie you most relate to. This quiz can predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.

It is amazing. Mine is "Raiders of the Lost Ark".

Don't look at the movie list till you have answered the question!

Movie Test Question:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Movie Answer List:

Spoiler:

if yours is Raiders...you obviously don't know how to do math .

its actually a pretty good movie.

Obviously...

What is YOUR fav?

no no.. my favourite is actually a pretty good movie

Deank wrote:no no.. my favourite is actually a pretty good movie

the title is not "Men Staring at Goats" !

you are forgetting I grew up on a farm.......

holiday hints for hooch heads

http://drunkard.com/issues/10_06/10_06_holiday_hints.html

"Whenever you open a non-liquor gift, loudly proclaim, “Oh, great, how the frick am I supposed to drink this?”
They’ll know what to get you next year."

I had a subscription to Modern Drunkard... they (he) published like two issues in three years...

had his priorities straight then

joke for only

Spoiler:

True story:

A Jewish friend of mine & I were chatting online.
He says "I had such a brain fart last night when lighting the Menorah...I lit the candle in the wrong place."

I said.."umm...don't you light it at the top like everyone else?"

Q: Why did the statistician take a bomb with him every time he flew?

Spoiler:

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her
eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and
walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so
rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.. .on one
condition..."

Flabbergasted, but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man
replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20
bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her
address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing
her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said….















"Clean my house."

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He
decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids
are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he
does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's
for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start
eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your
mother sometimes calls me."













"We're eating a$$hole!!",
she screams.

One day when the teacher walked into the
classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'johnson' (in
tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking
for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began
class. The next day, the word 'johnson' was written on the board
again; this time it was written about halfway across the board.
Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded
with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into
the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the
board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being
rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in
expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead
found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets."

johnson

OK GOM...the filter has gone overboard now.

We even teach 5-year-olds to say "P E N I $" in schools today...there's no reason to be filtering it to say "johnson"