joke for you

johnson

OK GOM...the filter has gone overboard now.

We even teach 5-year-olds to say "P E N I $" in schools today...there's no reason to be filtering it to say "johnson"

yeah that joke totally loses its funnieness when the autocorrect kicks in

Filtering is censorship by definition I do believe...

http://www.google.ca/search?q=censorship&sourceid=ie7&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-Address&ie=&oe=&redir_esc=&ei=lHArTaKSOIPBnAfJmrn8AQ

...what's next.."filtering" words such as "(inappropriate use of a generally accepted derogotory word)" and substituting the word "slave"? LOL

JTF wrote:

...what's next.."filtering" words such as "(inappropriate use of a generally accepted derogotory word)" and substituting the word "slave"? LOL

I wonder if it would be "filtered" if the computer thought that I was black?


In case you might have missed what my referance was toward...
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/arts/books/publisher-changes-n-word-to-slave-in-new-edition-of-huck-finn/article1858319/

I find it unbelievable that we are removing offensive words from old literary works.

whats next removing the word Jew from Anne Frank's book?

I compare it to turning your clock ahead so that you won't be late in the morning. WTF?

Who are we kidding? Are we pretending that these words don't exist? It's silly imo.

n-word (just checking...)

Niger is an African country.

niger is an african country

LOL...it's all in the way you say it .....add a gee and you're "filtered".

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.

During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

During a commercial airline flight, a Marine Corps Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice. Upon disembarking, however, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Marine Corps Pilot sadly shook his head and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "What a shame! All these years I've been chewing gum..."

'Bartender, I'll have an Ovechkin.'

'What's an Ovechkin?'

Spoiler:

DeanK- was Anne Frank Jewish?

barely

A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He opens the door, enters and sits down.

There's a fully equipped bar, the best wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall, some fine paintings.



When he hears a priest come in he says:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".



To which the priest replies..."Ahhhhh...you went in the wrong door. That's where I sit".

The Mexican Maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated:

"Oh he did did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA

good one

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He
made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this story:

A
little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door
of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few
feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the
counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales
clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?'

The clerk,
politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have
dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'

The old lady then asks: 'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy AAA pppinkk
onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...
AAA ND rrunns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, 'Yes we do.'

She asks: ' Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn t the ssonoooff abbitch offffff?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask,
'are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I
don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned
that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his
testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.'

The man slowly
pulls Off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, ' Thank
you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely, 'Are
- my - test - results - back?

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa
went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious
programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy
with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the
reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get
the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of
the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the
doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's
minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted..

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with
perfect breasts.

He says to her, 'Hey miss, would you let me bite your
breasts for $100?

'Are you nuts?!!!' she replies, and keeps walking
away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the
corner before she does.

'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000
dollars?' he asks again.

'Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?'

The Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her
again; 'Would you let me bite your breasts just once
for $10,000 dollars?'

She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm,
$10,000 dollars; Ok, just once but not here. Let's go
to that dark alley over there.'

They go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse
to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As
soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts
caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,
licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting
them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are
you gonna bite them or not?'

'Nah', says the Scotsman... 'Costs too much...'

DeanK is not a nice person this morning! lol
Is that the Conservative background oozing out?

Rosie - it's a poor time to be a Conservatve basher/biter. May 2nd will only bring added humiliation. A more appropriate joke below:



The Pope and Michael Ignatieff are on the same stage in Rogers Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Ignatieff and said,

"Do you know that with one quick wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy and pleasure?

This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Ignatieff replied, "I seriously doubt that anybody receives more adoration than myself - but go ahead and show me!"


So the Pope slapped him hard across the face and knocked him off the stage.

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Now love a Liberal this May - Pope-style.

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.

She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She
looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically," I guess
all those f ucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck.

Waay better! lol