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Humour du jour
+8
FlyingRat
SMW
Freeman
incognito
Electrician
AGEsAces
Deank
grumpy old man
12 posters
Go to page : 
1, 2, 3, 4
Message [Page 4 of 4]
77 Re: Humour du jour Sun Jul 26, 2009 5:41 pm
eastsider
contributor plus
When Farrah Fawcett closed her eyes in death her soul ascended to heaven. St Peter was waiting at the gate and said to her " Farrah you have lived a shining exemplary life and as a reward before you enter heaven I will grant you one wish". Farrah turned to St Peter and said" help me make the world safer for little children". Three hours later Michael Jackson keeled over.......
78 Re: Humour du jour Sun Jul 26, 2009 10:50 pm
Freeman
uber-contributor
I really like that one, but my wife doesn't see the humour.
79 Re: Humour du jour Mon Jul 27, 2009 10:45 am
Guest
Guest
Oh my...and I thought that Jackson died from eating bad food....10 year old weiners.
80 Re: Humour du jour Mon Jul 27, 2009 12:28 pm
Deank
contributor eminence
something I wish was a joke.
There are internet petitions circulating trying to get MJ nominated for the noble peace prize.
There are internet petitions circulating trying to get MJ nominated for the noble peace prize.
82 Re: Humour du jour Mon Jul 27, 2009 12:41 pm
Miz point
uber-contributor
Deank wrote:something I wish was a joke.
There are internet petitions circulating trying to get MJ nominated for the noble peace prize.
"Noble" or rather NOBEL?
84 Re: Humour du jour Mon Jul 27, 2009 12:46 pm
Miz point
uber-contributor
Yeah she could REALLY use the shekels
85 Re: Humour du jour Mon Jul 27, 2009 2:01 pm
Guest
Guest
Hmmmm...Michael Jackson and Gail Asper together....they should be in the same catergory as far as I'm concerned.
86 Re: Humour du jour Mon Jul 27, 2009 2:04 pm
Deank
contributor eminence
you guys think you are funny.. But within 5 years of the museum doors opening she will be awarded the prize. Possibly even the same year the doors open just so that she can get it before the museum fails utterly.
87 Re: Humour du jour Mon Jul 27, 2009 2:08 pm
Miz point
uber-contributor
Doubtful Gail would ever get a prize for fundraising for a museum.
88 Re: Humour du jour Mon Jul 27, 2009 2:08 pm
Deank
contributor eminence
She has already recieved the order of Manitoba for it.
89 Re: Humour du jour Mon Jul 27, 2009 2:11 pm
Miz point
uber-contributor
Order of Manitoba counts for spit when one looks at the criteria and the past recipients of the Nobel Peace Prize....now if Gail went to Afghanistan with her millions and started to build schools for poor children then should would be a strong contender......
90 Re: Humour du jour Mon Jul 27, 2009 3:27 pm
Deank
contributor eminence
Al Gore
need I really say more?
need I really say more?
91 Re: Humour du jour Tue Jul 28, 2009 11:14 pm
eastsider
contributor plus
An Aussie joke...
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting..
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said “No.”
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said " I want the name of the bastard that pushed me in"
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting..
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said “No.”
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said " I want the name of the bastard that pushed me in"
94 Re: Humour du jour Tue Aug 18, 2009 4:55 pm
AGEsAces
moderator
A Little Canadian Humor, Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Canada.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada.
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere South of Detroit for the weekend, you may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada .
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada.
If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada.
If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km -- you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada.
If you know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you may live in Canada.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.
If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Canada.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Canadian friends & others, you definitely live in Canada
I have heard that in Calgary , the seasons are: gray, brown, and Calgary Stampede.
I also read a story of a man stationed in the Armed Forces in Germany saying he could always tell the nationality of people by how they measured distance.
An American would say: "It's about 20 miles."
A European would say: "It's about 30 kilometers."
A Canadian would say: "It's about a half-hour drive."
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Canada.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada.
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere South of Detroit for the weekend, you may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada .
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada.
If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada.
If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km -- you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada.
If you know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you may live in Canada.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.
If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Canada.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Canadian friends & others, you definitely live in Canada
I have heard that in Calgary , the seasons are: gray, brown, and Calgary Stampede.
I also read a story of a man stationed in the Armed Forces in Germany saying he could always tell the nationality of people by how they measured distance.
An American would say: "It's about 20 miles."
A European would say: "It's about 30 kilometers."
A Canadian would say: "It's about a half-hour drive."
95 Re: Humour du jour Sun Aug 23, 2009 9:59 pm
AGEsAces
moderator
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good
morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith .
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith .
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good
morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith .
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith .
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.
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