Humour du jour

Once when I was looking for work (this is when I was younger and lacking much in wisdom or experience), I had the boldness to tell prospective employers that I believed I should be paid what I was worth.

Their response? "Well, Joe, I believe that too, but there is a minimum wage law."

2

A young naval student was being questioned by an old sea-captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"

"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

An auto mechanic received a repair order that read, "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.

Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem.

Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk".

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared that jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

The moral of this story is simple: to be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Have you heard about the little girl sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink? She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said:

"You must have been really bad to Grandma."

Rosie, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Rosie walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Rosie and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Rosie replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

Shame!

A really big guy, looking for mischief, walked up to me once and said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

"Oh yeah? Why?" he said, bracing himself for my return threat. I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

It was Palm Sunday, but five-year-old Johnny had to stay home from church because he was sick.

When the family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what they were for.

His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," Johnny said, "The one Sunday I don't go, Jesus shows up!"

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things... then you are probably the family dog.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew, and she would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

When she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she had difficulty discerning the nature of the drawing. In response to her inquiry, the little girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without hesitating, the little girl replied, "They will in a minute."

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, were spending a day at the zoo. Soon they joined lots of other children who were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" said a little girl who was standing in line in front of the grandson. Embarrassed, the grandson dropped his head.

His grandmother felt a surge of compassion for her grandson, and knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles," she said. "When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles." Tenderly she traced her finger across her grandson's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The grandson looked up, a ray of hope in his eyes. "Really?" he asked.

"Of course!" said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." The grandson thought for a moment, peering intensely into his grandma's face. Softly he replied back, "Wrinkles."

A group of managers is given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. When they get out to the flagpole, with ladders and tape measures, the difficulty begins. They are falling off the ladders and dropping tape measures right and left. The whole thing is just a mess.

Then an engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do. Walking over, he pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers, and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another manager and starts laughing. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers ahead of them on the golf course.

"What's with these guys?" the engineer fumed. "We have been waiting for over 15 minutes!"

"I don't know," the doctor chimed in, "But I've never seen such ineptitude!"

"Hey, here comes the greens keeper," the pastor said. "Let's ask him... Hey George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

"That's so sad," the pastor said. "I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

"Good idea," the doctor said. "And I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist buddy to see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'" The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural-history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?" One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about who she admired so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The girl responded confidently, "The living one!"

Bob had worked for the company 11 years, when one day he was suddenly notified that he was fired.

"Since I've been with the firm for so long," he told his HR manager, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources manager agreed and said he'd have the letter ready for Bob the next day. The following morning, Bob found the letter on his desk. It read, "Bob worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

Why aren't government workers allowed to look out the windows in the morning?

- So they'll have something to do in the afternoon.

Soon after their last child left home for college, JTF was resting next to his wife on the couch with his head in her lap. She carefully removed his glasses.
"You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

A few laughs:

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me.
Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself."
* * * * *
The Big Bad Wolf said, “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down.”
The three Little Pig said, “Fuck off or we’ll sneeze on you.”
* * * * *
"It was once said that a black man would be President when pigs fly.
Indeed, 100 days into Obama's presidency 'Swine Flu.'

Swine flu. Very good!

Way too much negativity lately. Enjoy...