The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
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A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement.
He became a hardened criminal.
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When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
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The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.
He did a number on it.
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The dead batteries were distributed free of charge.
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.?
Then it hit me.
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off??
He's all right now.
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The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference.
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The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little
behind in his work.
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I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension,
then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, you're carefree and you get ready for High School.
You go to elementary school, you become a kid, you play,
you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then,
you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries
like central heating, spa room service on tap, larger housing quarters everyday,
and finally you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
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A young man was walking down the road with a box of tape. His neighbour stopped him to find out what he was up to.
"I'm going to catch some ducks with this duck tape." the young man said.
"Nah man, that's not how it works!" the neighbour replied.
Much to his surprise, half an hour later the man returned with a crate full of ducks.
The next day the young man travelled past his neighbour again, this time with a huge roll of chicken wire.
"What are you up to now?" the neighbour questioned
"I'm going to catch some chickens" the young man exclaimed
"Nah man, seriously, that's not what it's for!" the neighbour said.
But incredibly, later that day the young man returned with a cage full of live chickens.
A few days later the young man passed his neighbour, this time carrying a large bundle of pussy willows.
"Hold on!" the neighbour said excitedly, "I'm going to get my hat."
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A 76-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his
tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says,
"Harry,everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?"
Harry replies, "
God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle
of the night to go to the bathroom,
poof! The light goes on.
When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's
wife. "Ethel," he says, "Harry is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
during the night and poof! the light goes on in
the bathroom, and when he's done, poof!
the light goes off?"
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims.
"He's pissing in the fridge again!
A backward poet writes inverse.
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In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's
your Count that votes.
