Klymkiw who with Guy Maddin back in the early 80's co-hosted the Videon cable Show SURVIVE, now a cult classic on YouTube along with Pollock and Pollock, has created this hilarious survival guide for those who are returning to Winnipeg after a long absence or for those who are brave enough to visit....this is hilarious!!!! Here is the cut and paste....
Greg Klymkiw’s Guide To Winnipeg – 2010 Edition
Print and keep with you at ALL TIMES when in Winnipeg.
The most important thing to remember about Winnipeg is:
When in Winnipeg – RENT A CAR!
You do not want to walk or use transit in Winnipeg.
Only losers walk or use transit in Winnipeg.
Winnipeggers
will complain about a lack of parking, but as the entire city is a
fricking parking lot, this will not be a problem. It will be plentiful,
cheap and occasionally even free.
The best thing to do in
Winnipeg is to eat unhealthy food, so here is a list of places to dine
that will guarantee heart failure and/or strokes and/or (at the very
least) high blood pressure and/or clogged arteries.
1. Salisbury
House – First of all, do not let a Winnipegger convince you to dine at
the new Sals’ on the Provencher bridge (which most 'Peggers think is,
ugh, classy!). The only remaining Sals’ with a smidgen of the
atmosphere of the Resto With the Little Red Roof is the North Main
Sals’ near Matheson Street across from the Transit terminal and on the
same block as the now-defunct Deluxe/Hyland Theatre. Most mornings you
will find former heavyweight Olympic boxing champ Al Sparks having
breakfast there. If it’s good enough for Al, it’s good enough for
anyone. Secondly, do not bother ordering anything on the menu that
appears remotely healthy and/or, uh … good. Order only the following
items: Mr. Big Nips or Cheese Nips (preferably with FRIED onions) or
Egg Nips (with REGULAR FATTY bacon, not the healthy back bacon). For
dessert try some delightful Red Velvet Cake (this used to be a Winnipeg
exclusive at Eaton’s, but since Eaton’s went tits-up, Sals’ is carrying
the torch rather proudly on this front). Of course, you must have
several cups of coffee and do not forget to buy a can or two of
delicious Salisbury House coffee to take back to wherever you are from.
Maybe buy enough cans to fill a suitcase and give to friends. You will
also be putting money into the pocket of Burton Cummings who is one of
the relatively new owners of this Winnipeg-only chain of restaurants.
2.
Alycia’s – The best Ukrainian food since my Baba died. John Candy
absolutely swore by this restaurant and he is now dead. ‘Nuff said.
Everything is magnificent, but you must order pan-fried varenyky
(perogies) smothered in onions and butter with huge dollops of sour
cream.
3. New Hong Kong Snack House – You must order the fried
(I MEAN IT, GODDAMN IT!!! FRIED ONLY!!!!!) Chinese perogies. Other
items vary in taste or lack thereof, but this one dish cannot be beat.
Sadly, the one-eyed server-cook (who did not believe in glass eyes nor
patches) is dead, but if you are lucky, a brief stroll to the west of
the restaurant will afford you a glimpse of the Modern Brush Company
which has (happily) not be turned into a parking lot.
4.
Shanghai – True 50s style Chinese Resto. Last time I went, they still
used (thank Christ!) the magnificent flavour-enhancer MSG. You must
order the Golden Dragon (deep fried pork wrapped in deep fried bacon,
surrounded by golden deep fried - in pig fat, 'natch - batter and
lovingly glazed with special gelatinous sweet goo). Another must-order
dish are the Sticky Ribs and I can assure you there are none stickier
on the entire planet.
5. Kelekis - Order only the following:
Split double dog with cheese and bacon, the Yale burger and shoestring
fries with gravy. When there, you can imagine the story my Mom told me
about when she worked there as a teenager and the founder of the resto
- who at that time was a wizened, Alzheimer's-afflicted dirty old man -
would sit in the basement peeling potatoes and waiting for young
waitresses to come downstairs so he could attempt to sexually abuse
them. Sit in the very back of the resto and marvel at the array of
celebrity photographs of people you've never heard of.
6. The
Wagon Wheel - The best Clubhouse sandwiches in the world - bar none.
The Hot Open Faced Turkey Sandwich is also unbeatable.
7. V.J.'s
Drive-inn Restaurant - Magnificent Chili Burgers, Chili Dogs and
insanely greasy thick cut fries (which you must have smothered in
chili).
8. BDI - Bridge Drive-inn. The best ice cream parlour in
Winnipeg with a narrow foot bridge over the Red River. Specialite de la
maison: The Goog.
9. Skinner's or The Half Moon - both of these
are in Lockport, Manitoba - just north of the city. Skinner's for great
hockey paraphernalia on the walls (you'll find pictures of my old man
in there when he played for the Detroit Red Wings and the Winnipeg
Maroons) and exquisite hot dogs made from Manitoba Sausage. The dogs
are boiled. The skin is crunchy, the innards tender and juicy. A first
bite should squirt hot grease. The Half Moon is recommended for pretty
much everything, but mostly, the Hot Dogs with cheese and bacon as well
as their exquisite milk shakes.
10. Luda's - Grease beyond your
wildest dreams. Magnificent breakfasts and lots of great Ukrainian food
in the heart of Winnipeg's North End.
OTHER NON-RESTO FOOD TIPS FOR THE 'PEG
The only potato chips to eat in Winnipeg are Old Dutch.
The
only sunflower and/or pumpkin seeds to eat in Winnipeg are Tasty (owned
by relatives of the inimitable Melanie Friesen from Altona who worked
for years as Martin Scorsese's development lady and subsequently as the
Vancouver International Film Festival's illustrious Trade Forum topper..
Best
Bakery for pastries, bagels (pizza bagels especially) and breads (onion
pumpernickel especially) is Gunn’s. Do not go on Bingo night, as it
will be hard to get by drunks, glue-sniffers and child prostitutes.
Best Bakery for Birthday Cakes: Jeannie’s Bakery (the marble is nice and all B-Day cakes rest on delectable beds of shortbread).
Best Kosher Butcher: L. Omnitsky and Sons.
Best Ukrainian garlic sausage: Tenderloin
Fine
Winnipeg Watering Holes (pack heat and/or a blade, though in all
fairness, I have yet to be shot and/or stabbed going to any of them):
-The Woodbine
-The St. Charles (the “chuckles”)
-The Kings
-The Concorde
-The Lincoln
-The LaSalle
-The Mount Royal (last time I checked there was still a nice selection of Native tranny hookers)
-Gio’s
and Club 200 (for those of the Gay and Lesbian persuasion – heat and/or
blades are not required here unless you want to pack them anyway - and
this might not be a bad idea in case you run into any fellows in
half-tons wearing John Deere caps and brandishing tire irons and/or
baseball bats. A less common occurence in Winnipeg these days, but
still frequent enough.)
Alas, many fine watering holes are gone
- the Manor, the Roblin, the Bell and the Brunswick. But for those who
have memories of them, drive to where they once were and drink some
open liquor in your car.
THINGS TO DO IN WINNIPEG
THAT OTHER WINNIPEGGERS OF NOTE DO:
1.
St. Boniface Basilica - In the middle of the night with open liquor,
walk through the graveyard, pay your respects at Louis Riel’s grave,
stumble towards the imposing basilica wall, cover three of the four
floodlights with coats and dance in front of the uncovered light and
marvel at the size of your shadow (which can be seen by anyone on the
other side of the Red River).
2. In the middle of the night it
is customary to drive (with open liquor, ‘natch) to the Terminal
Hospital. Park in the back, listen to BTO, The Guess Who, Loverboy and
Trooper (on your tapedeck, or if you MUST, your fricking iPod) and look
to see if any lights go on and off and wonder who might be dying and
from what.
3. A drive along scenic River Road is a must. In the
daytime, it is quite pretty, but at night, it is more romantic,
especially with open liquor and Paul Whiteman playing on your tapedeck.
4.
Driving pretty much anywhere in Winnipeg with open liquor is a good
time, eh, since it is one of the few places left in the world where
drinking and driving is still socially acceptable. A familiar farewell
at the end of most social evenings in Winnipeg will be a hearty, “Have
one more for the ditch.” This, of course, is accompanied by the
friendly action of your host sloshing more alcohol into your drinking
receptacle. The ditch reference is especially apt in rural areas as the
ditches on the sides of roadways are designed for alcoholics (most of
Manitoba’s population) to receive as little impact/trauma/damage as
possible when they occasionally careen gently off the road (a rare
occurrence since all Manitobans are born with fetal alcohol syndrome
and are given their driving lessons by fellow alcoholics and final road
exams while carrying and (‘natch) consuming open liquor offered
enthusiastically by alkie Ministry of Transport employees.
5. If
Guy Maddin is in town, ask him to drive you to his cottage in Gimli
where he can show you the notes his Mother Herdis posts EVERYWHERE
within the warm walls of the Maddin country estate. If Mother Herdis is
there, she will feed you hard fiskur and vinartartar. Ask him to score
you a copy of the Gimli Fjalkonna Guide that contains photographs of
every Maid of the Mist from the past century of Gimli history. This
document, featuring the sexiest Icelandic octogenarians you could ever
imagine is designed as maximum-impact masturbation material. In the
winter, you can plunge naked into icy Lake Winnipeg (it doesn’t count
if you don’t get your hair wet) and enjoy cocoa in Guymo’s cottage.
6.
If you need to go bowling whilst in Winnipeg, the only place to go is
Billy Mosienko lanes. Alas, Billy is dead, but you can imagine what it
was like to rent bowling shoes from the big fella himself.
7. I
would suggest you get a haircut from the immortal Bill Sciak in
Chinatown who knew everything there was to know about silent cinema and
could shave your head identically to a variety of Erich Von Stroheim
haircuts, but he's dead. Bill, that is.
8. You will find many
Winnipeg ladies willing to walk right up to your car and talk to you.
They will sometimes get in your car and let you take them to darkened
alleys where, for a nominal fee, they will provide services guaranteed
to release tension (See attached photo).
9. In the winter, make
sure there have been enough forty below days of weather, drive your car
out to Selkirk, Manitoba. Motor down the river bank, get on the frozen
river, then drive at top speed backwards. The snow swirling away from
you in your headlights will look amazing - especially if you have been
chugging from a receptacle of open liquor.
10. While in lovely
Selkirk, Manitoba you must visit the Selkirk Mental Hospital and marvel
at the site of the huge water tower on the grounds which, for some
reason, is extremely easy to access and climb. Considering this is a
loony bin, its presence makes little sense. I personally knew three
people who, as inmates, climbed to the top of the tower and took deadly
dives.
11. In the summer time, let a mosquito land on your arm, let it bite you and suck as much blood as possible before you smack it.
12. Two hours west of Winnipeg in the town of Carberry, you will find an honest-to-goodness desert.
13.
If you decide to go fishing, be sure to have lots of open liquor with
you on the boat, but most importantly, go to the LaSalle Hotel, ask for
"Tiny" (who, I assure you, isn't - tiny, that is) and he will sell you
charges of dynamite that will go off under water so you can just scoop
a shitload of fish into your boat with a net.
14. If you are a
fella, go to Moonlight Massage on McPhillips Avenue and ask to see
Mary. She's in her 60s now and not much to look at, but she will remove
her full set of dentures and give you the gum job of your life. Just
close your eyes and imagine someone else sucking your c**k. She's a
Winnipeg institution! She used to be number two on the list of Great
Winnipeg Women, but she took the Number One Slot when June Tracy, the
octogenarian stripper at the Airport Hotel Lounge kicked the bucket.
The only other Great Winnipeg Woman was Gladys Balsillie (or Gladdie).
She also kicked the bucket, so this makes Mary the ONLY Great Winnipeg
Woman left living.
15. There are four buildings in Winnipeg that
have over thirty stories. The Richardson Building has 34 stories and
will let you take the elevator to the top and look out over the flat
prairies.
16. Go to the Belgian Club to drink with malcontent veterans.
17. Go to the Green Briar and drink with middle aged alkies who used to attend Garden City Collegiate Institute.
18. Go to the "K" (Kildonan Motor Hotel) and ask them if Fat April still works there.
19. Go to the Manitoba Legislature and marvel at the magnificence that is "The Golden Boy".
20. Ask a Winnipegger to explain to you how to get to "Confusion Corner".
There
are probably many other things to do in my old Winter City, but the
abovementioned represent a few of the more tender moments I experienced
during the first 33 years of my life on this Earth.
Enjoy!
Special
thanks to Donna Szoke, Kevin Mutch and Adam Klymkiw for jogging my
memory for some delightful additions to this most helpful tome.
and thank you Greg for your humour!!!!!
Greg Klymkiw’s Guide To Winnipeg – 2010 Edition
Print and keep with you at ALL TIMES when in Winnipeg.
The most important thing to remember about Winnipeg is:
When in Winnipeg – RENT A CAR!
You do not want to walk or use transit in Winnipeg.
Only losers walk or use transit in Winnipeg.
Winnipeggers
will complain about a lack of parking, but as the entire city is a
fricking parking lot, this will not be a problem. It will be plentiful,
cheap and occasionally even free.
The best thing to do in
Winnipeg is to eat unhealthy food, so here is a list of places to dine
that will guarantee heart failure and/or strokes and/or (at the very
least) high blood pressure and/or clogged arteries.
1. Salisbury
House – First of all, do not let a Winnipegger convince you to dine at
the new Sals’ on the Provencher bridge (which most 'Peggers think is,
ugh, classy!). The only remaining Sals’ with a smidgen of the
atmosphere of the Resto With the Little Red Roof is the North Main
Sals’ near Matheson Street across from the Transit terminal and on the
same block as the now-defunct Deluxe/Hyland Theatre. Most mornings you
will find former heavyweight Olympic boxing champ Al Sparks having
breakfast there. If it’s good enough for Al, it’s good enough for
anyone. Secondly, do not bother ordering anything on the menu that
appears remotely healthy and/or, uh … good. Order only the following
items: Mr. Big Nips or Cheese Nips (preferably with FRIED onions) or
Egg Nips (with REGULAR FATTY bacon, not the healthy back bacon). For
dessert try some delightful Red Velvet Cake (this used to be a Winnipeg
exclusive at Eaton’s, but since Eaton’s went tits-up, Sals’ is carrying
the torch rather proudly on this front). Of course, you must have
several cups of coffee and do not forget to buy a can or two of
delicious Salisbury House coffee to take back to wherever you are from.
Maybe buy enough cans to fill a suitcase and give to friends. You will
also be putting money into the pocket of Burton Cummings who is one of
the relatively new owners of this Winnipeg-only chain of restaurants.
2.
Alycia’s – The best Ukrainian food since my Baba died. John Candy
absolutely swore by this restaurant and he is now dead. ‘Nuff said.
Everything is magnificent, but you must order pan-fried varenyky
(perogies) smothered in onions and butter with huge dollops of sour
cream.
3. New Hong Kong Snack House – You must order the fried
(I MEAN IT, GODDAMN IT!!! FRIED ONLY!!!!!) Chinese perogies. Other
items vary in taste or lack thereof, but this one dish cannot be beat.
Sadly, the one-eyed server-cook (who did not believe in glass eyes nor
patches) is dead, but if you are lucky, a brief stroll to the west of
the restaurant will afford you a glimpse of the Modern Brush Company
which has (happily) not be turned into a parking lot.
4.
Shanghai – True 50s style Chinese Resto. Last time I went, they still
used (thank Christ!) the magnificent flavour-enhancer MSG. You must
order the Golden Dragon (deep fried pork wrapped in deep fried bacon,
surrounded by golden deep fried - in pig fat, 'natch - batter and
lovingly glazed with special gelatinous sweet goo). Another must-order
dish are the Sticky Ribs and I can assure you there are none stickier
on the entire planet.
5. Kelekis - Order only the following:
Split double dog with cheese and bacon, the Yale burger and shoestring
fries with gravy. When there, you can imagine the story my Mom told me
about when she worked there as a teenager and the founder of the resto
- who at that time was a wizened, Alzheimer's-afflicted dirty old man -
would sit in the basement peeling potatoes and waiting for young
waitresses to come downstairs so he could attempt to sexually abuse
them. Sit in the very back of the resto and marvel at the array of
celebrity photographs of people you've never heard of.
6. The
Wagon Wheel - The best Clubhouse sandwiches in the world - bar none.
The Hot Open Faced Turkey Sandwich is also unbeatable.
7. V.J.'s
Drive-inn Restaurant - Magnificent Chili Burgers, Chili Dogs and
insanely greasy thick cut fries (which you must have smothered in
chili).
8. BDI - Bridge Drive-inn. The best ice cream parlour in
Winnipeg with a narrow foot bridge over the Red River. Specialite de la
maison: The Goog.
9. Skinner's or The Half Moon - both of these
are in Lockport, Manitoba - just north of the city. Skinner's for great
hockey paraphernalia on the walls (you'll find pictures of my old man
in there when he played for the Detroit Red Wings and the Winnipeg
Maroons) and exquisite hot dogs made from Manitoba Sausage. The dogs
are boiled. The skin is crunchy, the innards tender and juicy. A first
bite should squirt hot grease. The Half Moon is recommended for pretty
much everything, but mostly, the Hot Dogs with cheese and bacon as well
as their exquisite milk shakes.
10. Luda's - Grease beyond your
wildest dreams. Magnificent breakfasts and lots of great Ukrainian food
in the heart of Winnipeg's North End.
OTHER NON-RESTO FOOD TIPS FOR THE 'PEG
The only potato chips to eat in Winnipeg are Old Dutch.
The
only sunflower and/or pumpkin seeds to eat in Winnipeg are Tasty (owned
by relatives of the inimitable Melanie Friesen from Altona who worked
for years as Martin Scorsese's development lady and subsequently as the
Vancouver International Film Festival's illustrious Trade Forum topper..
Best
Bakery for pastries, bagels (pizza bagels especially) and breads (onion
pumpernickel especially) is Gunn’s. Do not go on Bingo night, as it
will be hard to get by drunks, glue-sniffers and child prostitutes.
Best Bakery for Birthday Cakes: Jeannie’s Bakery (the marble is nice and all B-Day cakes rest on delectable beds of shortbread).
Best Kosher Butcher: L. Omnitsky and Sons.
Best Ukrainian garlic sausage: Tenderloin
Fine
Winnipeg Watering Holes (pack heat and/or a blade, though in all
fairness, I have yet to be shot and/or stabbed going to any of them):
-The Woodbine
-The St. Charles (the “chuckles”)
-The Kings
-The Concorde
-The Lincoln
-The LaSalle
-The Mount Royal (last time I checked there was still a nice selection of Native tranny hookers)
-Gio’s
and Club 200 (for those of the Gay and Lesbian persuasion – heat and/or
blades are not required here unless you want to pack them anyway - and
this might not be a bad idea in case you run into any fellows in
half-tons wearing John Deere caps and brandishing tire irons and/or
baseball bats. A less common occurence in Winnipeg these days, but
still frequent enough.)
Alas, many fine watering holes are gone
- the Manor, the Roblin, the Bell and the Brunswick. But for those who
have memories of them, drive to where they once were and drink some
open liquor in your car.
THINGS TO DO IN WINNIPEG
THAT OTHER WINNIPEGGERS OF NOTE DO:
1.
St. Boniface Basilica - In the middle of the night with open liquor,
walk through the graveyard, pay your respects at Louis Riel’s grave,
stumble towards the imposing basilica wall, cover three of the four
floodlights with coats and dance in front of the uncovered light and
marvel at the size of your shadow (which can be seen by anyone on the
other side of the Red River).
2. In the middle of the night it
is customary to drive (with open liquor, ‘natch) to the Terminal
Hospital. Park in the back, listen to BTO, The Guess Who, Loverboy and
Trooper (on your tapedeck, or if you MUST, your fricking iPod) and look
to see if any lights go on and off and wonder who might be dying and
from what.
3. A drive along scenic River Road is a must. In the
daytime, it is quite pretty, but at night, it is more romantic,
especially with open liquor and Paul Whiteman playing on your tapedeck.
4.
Driving pretty much anywhere in Winnipeg with open liquor is a good
time, eh, since it is one of the few places left in the world where
drinking and driving is still socially acceptable. A familiar farewell
at the end of most social evenings in Winnipeg will be a hearty, “Have
one more for the ditch.” This, of course, is accompanied by the
friendly action of your host sloshing more alcohol into your drinking
receptacle. The ditch reference is especially apt in rural areas as the
ditches on the sides of roadways are designed for alcoholics (most of
Manitoba’s population) to receive as little impact/trauma/damage as
possible when they occasionally careen gently off the road (a rare
occurrence since all Manitobans are born with fetal alcohol syndrome
and are given their driving lessons by fellow alcoholics and final road
exams while carrying and (‘natch) consuming open liquor offered
enthusiastically by alkie Ministry of Transport employees.
5. If
Guy Maddin is in town, ask him to drive you to his cottage in Gimli
where he can show you the notes his Mother Herdis posts EVERYWHERE
within the warm walls of the Maddin country estate. If Mother Herdis is
there, she will feed you hard fiskur and vinartartar. Ask him to score
you a copy of the Gimli Fjalkonna Guide that contains photographs of
every Maid of the Mist from the past century of Gimli history. This
document, featuring the sexiest Icelandic octogenarians you could ever
imagine is designed as maximum-impact masturbation material. In the
winter, you can plunge naked into icy Lake Winnipeg (it doesn’t count
if you don’t get your hair wet) and enjoy cocoa in Guymo’s cottage.
6.
If you need to go bowling whilst in Winnipeg, the only place to go is
Billy Mosienko lanes. Alas, Billy is dead, but you can imagine what it
was like to rent bowling shoes from the big fella himself.
7. I
would suggest you get a haircut from the immortal Bill Sciak in
Chinatown who knew everything there was to know about silent cinema and
could shave your head identically to a variety of Erich Von Stroheim
haircuts, but he's dead. Bill, that is.
8. You will find many
Winnipeg ladies willing to walk right up to your car and talk to you.
They will sometimes get in your car and let you take them to darkened
alleys where, for a nominal fee, they will provide services guaranteed
to release tension (See attached photo).
9. In the winter, make
sure there have been enough forty below days of weather, drive your car
out to Selkirk, Manitoba. Motor down the river bank, get on the frozen
river, then drive at top speed backwards. The snow swirling away from
you in your headlights will look amazing - especially if you have been
chugging from a receptacle of open liquor.
10. While in lovely
Selkirk, Manitoba you must visit the Selkirk Mental Hospital and marvel
at the site of the huge water tower on the grounds which, for some
reason, is extremely easy to access and climb. Considering this is a
loony bin, its presence makes little sense. I personally knew three
people who, as inmates, climbed to the top of the tower and took deadly
dives.
11. In the summer time, let a mosquito land on your arm, let it bite you and suck as much blood as possible before you smack it.
12. Two hours west of Winnipeg in the town of Carberry, you will find an honest-to-goodness desert.
13.
If you decide to go fishing, be sure to have lots of open liquor with
you on the boat, but most importantly, go to the LaSalle Hotel, ask for
"Tiny" (who, I assure you, isn't - tiny, that is) and he will sell you
charges of dynamite that will go off under water so you can just scoop
a shitload of fish into your boat with a net.
14. If you are a
fella, go to Moonlight Massage on McPhillips Avenue and ask to see
Mary. She's in her 60s now and not much to look at, but she will remove
her full set of dentures and give you the gum job of your life. Just
close your eyes and imagine someone else sucking your c**k. She's a
Winnipeg institution! She used to be number two on the list of Great
Winnipeg Women, but she took the Number One Slot when June Tracy, the
octogenarian stripper at the Airport Hotel Lounge kicked the bucket.
The only other Great Winnipeg Woman was Gladys Balsillie (or Gladdie).
She also kicked the bucket, so this makes Mary the ONLY Great Winnipeg
Woman left living.
15. There are four buildings in Winnipeg that
have over thirty stories. The Richardson Building has 34 stories and
will let you take the elevator to the top and look out over the flat
prairies.
16. Go to the Belgian Club to drink with malcontent veterans.
17. Go to the Green Briar and drink with middle aged alkies who used to attend Garden City Collegiate Institute.
18. Go to the "K" (Kildonan Motor Hotel) and ask them if Fat April still works there.
19. Go to the Manitoba Legislature and marvel at the magnificence that is "The Golden Boy".
20. Ask a Winnipegger to explain to you how to get to "Confusion Corner".
There
are probably many other things to do in my old Winter City, but the
abovementioned represent a few of the more tender moments I experienced
during the first 33 years of my life on this Earth.
Enjoy!
Special
thanks to Donna Szoke, Kevin Mutch and Adam Klymkiw for jogging my
memory for some delightful additions to this most helpful tome.
and thank you Greg for your humour!!!!!
